Poetry in motion

Something about barfbags brings out the Muse. Here's a selection of poetry about baggery.

I couldn't resist adding a few critical comments below each poem. Editor's prerogative. Don't like it? Then start your own site.

Christmas poetry contest

Many thanks to all who contributed entries to the bagophily.com 2005 Christmas Poetry Contest, and to those who voted for their favourite poem. The winner received the bag of her choice from my Swaps list.

1 Input/Output

Old MacDonald had to barf, E-I-E-I-O
Spoiled a bag and earned a frown, E-I-E-I-O
The plane boo-booed here, and boo-booed there
Here a boo, there a boo, everywhere boo-boo
Old MacDonald had to barf, E-I-E-I-O

Guido Flohr

Guido adds that "I-O" is a computer term and stands for "Input/Output".

2 Oh my good Lord!

Christmas Poetry Contest winner, 2005

Ach du meine Güte!
Wie sieht es hier denn aus -
Tüte neben Tüte
füllt das kleine Haus.

Oh my good Lord!
Just look at them all –
Bags – a whole hoard
Fill the house so small.

Gepflastert sind die Wände
bis auf den letzten Platz,
die Gattin ringt die Hände
über des Gatten Schatz.

Walls are lined with bags
No more space to move
The poor wife only shrugs
Over her husband’s love.

Will man genauer gucken
bekommt man einen Schreck:
Die Tüten sind zum Spucken,
und dann schmeißt man sie weg.

The closer you are looking
And you may well shout:
The bags are for puking
Then you throw them out.

So eigentlich braucht man sie
im Flugzeug in großer Höh,
doch sagt man das Paul Mundy,
ist er empört: O nee!

You really ought to use all
In a plane up high,
But try telling that to Paul:
Oh no! He’s wont to cry.

Die Tüten sind ihm teuer
und kommen aus aller Welt,
er hat schon ungeheuer
viele zusammengestellt.

He sees gold in them reflected
From the whole world they come,
For he has collected
Lots – and not just some.

Es sammeln noch sehr viele
Verrückte um die Wett,
verkünden ihre Ziele
sogar im Internet.

Many other weirdoes
Grab all the bags they get
They announce their goals
Even on the internet.

So fliegt denn in die Ferne,
so oft es eben geht -
Paul nimmt die Tüten gerne,
die ihr im Flugzeug seht!

So fly into the blue yonder
As often as you care –
Bring back all the plunder
You find up in the air!

Barbara Kneiding

Written in very tight German - I hope my English translation does the original justice.

3 A miserly collectress

Eine geizige Sammlerin aus Wieren
nimmt die vollen Tüten zum Einfrieren!!
Gestern beim Essen hat Sie es uns gestanden
und wir es nicht als guten Gag empfanden,
denn es gab saure Nieren.

Had to take some liberties with the translation of this one... I hope I've conveyed the sentiment rather than the meaning word-for-word:

A miserly collectress from Gower
Put full bags in the fridge for an hour
When she told us last night
Our stomachs went tight
For the dinner had tasted quite sour.

Gerhard Lang

4 Ode to Mundy

There once was a flyer from Cali,
Whose drinking was causing a folly;
His stomach a-whirl,
He needed to hurl,
But the bags had been taken by Pauly.

David Shomper

5 The man from Nantucket

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who got a great urge to chuck it.
He searched in the seatback
For a much-needed sick sack,
But was forced to throw up in a bucket.

David Shomper

6 Horror on the redeye

While on a flight late at night,
I suddenly felt sick
I reached for my bag, 'cause I felt so bad
I really had to be quick

My sick bag looked small as I puked up my all,
And very soon it was full,
But I soon felt better as we went on our way,
To re-tell this story the very next day.

Chris Hays

7 Bags are no substitute for Mama

With Air Malta I flew to Malta
With Alitalia I flew to Roma
Both times the guy next to me went sick
I offered him a barfbag with a trick
But no use, he kept crying for his mama.

Tom de Kort

8 Puke on the plane

Sådan en pose fra en flyver til bræk,
det er bare en helt almindelig sæk,
men er sæken fra Gaza
eller posen fra NASA
vil nogen gerne skrive en stor check.

Could be translated as:

If you puke on a plane in a bag,
For most it’s just a simple sack,
But if this sack comes from Gaza
Or the bag is from NASA
Someone might write you a big check.

Homer Goetz

9 The collector from Cologne

A barf bag collector from Cologne
wanted always more bags of his own.
Though he was aerophobic
his collection was so big.
From Ebay, 'cos he never had flown.

Walter Brinker

10 The German baggist

Ein Sammler und Jäger aus Deutsch-Land
der Spucktüten schon immer ganz toll fand
ganz am Anfang hatte er keine,
dann nach 2 Wochen schon eine,
jetzt füllen sie Walters Haus bis zum Rand.

Homer Goetz

Had to take some liberties with this one to get it translated:

A collector from over the Rhine
Thought barfbags were really quite fine
He started with none
After a week he had... one!
Now Walter's house is full to the roof line.

11 Not much to say

My mother-in-law's grandfather was the Silesian poet Philo vom Walde (1858-1905). So poetry runs in her veins, even if barfbags do not.

Wir werben hier für ein Gedicht
Ja ganz so einfach ist das nicht!
Denn es ist ein Gedicht von besonderer Art:
Über Spucktütensammlung: klingt das nicht apart?
Über eine Spucktüte gibt es zwar nicht viel zu sagen
Über ihren Inhalt umso mehr zu fragen.
Einstweilen möchte ich unterdessen
Dem Magen bringen was zu essen,
Und komme gleich wieder mit Speise und Trank,
Und für die Spucktüte vielen Dank!

Eva-Maria Mathias

Here's a rough translation:

For a poem we compete
It would be easy to admit defeat
It’s a poem of a special sort
On barfbags: an unusual sport
About bags there’s not much to say
On their contents - less, anyway
While you wait I’ll go and get
A little snack for me to eat
I’ll be back with food and drinks
And for the bag – many thanks!

12 The young lady from Turin

There was a young lady from Turin
Who could not contain all her urine
She started to brag
She would use a barf bag
That she'd taken away from Graham Curran.

Steve Silberberg

For those not au fait with the narrow coterie of barfbag collectors, Graham is a famed British baggist who runs the much-admired Vomitorium bagsite.

13 The young lady from Delhi

There was a young lady from Delhi
She flew out with pain in her belly,
Had a barfing attack
And grabbed for a bag,
It was taken again by Bruce Kelly.

Walter Brinker

Walter adds: "Sorry Bruce, didn't find a city that rhymes with Brinker, Vermeulen or Mundy."

14 The baggist from Boulder

There once was a baggist from Boulder,
Whose collection took up a huge folder.
His wife soon rejected it,
And later ejected it,
So he up and went out and sold her.

David Shomper, Boulder, Colorado, USA

15 Wholly unattractive?

A cadre of middle aged Caucasian men
Educated outcasts who find solidarity in irony
Misunderstood, undersexed, and wholly unattractive
Monetarily comfortable and gusset obsessed,
Their personal hells have become a beacon of hope
To a new generation of starry eyed tyros
On the path to one day amassing a collection
Which the wise know can never be completed.

Such is the Circle of Barf.

Steve Silberberg

Personally I can relate to the "misunderstood" bit, but the bagophily.com management wishes to dissociate itself from the phrase "undersexed and wholly unattractive".

16 The baggist from Crewe

There was a young baggist from Crewe
Who collected barfbags whenever he flew
He searched his seat pocket
There's a bag? Then he took it
So his neighbour had nowhere to spew.

Paul Mundy

17 If into the bag...

Wenn du in die Tüte kotzt,
von links und rechts wirst angemotzt,
wenn du in die Tüte göbelst
von vorn und hinten angepöbelt,
dann fehlt dir wohl etwas Glück
und leider auch ein Sammlerstück !

Doch die Stewardess zeigt Güte,
bringt dir eine neue Tüte
ohne Knick und nicht beschmutzt,
sozusagen unbenutzt.
Fehlt sie dir, dann ist das fein,
andernfalls tausch sie doch ein...

... denn Sammler gibt's wie Sand am Meer,
die Tüten klau'n im Flugverkehr.
Sammeln ist doch kein Verbrechen,
die Tüte nicht nur für's Erbrechen.
Die meisten geben das nicht zu,
sie sind nicht so wie du und ich!

Rolf Thalmann

And the English translation by Paul Mundy:

If into the bag you must puke
And from right and left comes rebuke,
If you chunder into the sack
And curses come from front and back,
Then you feel pretty miserable,
And you're damaging a collectible!

But there's mercy from the stewardess
She brings a new bag, no less:
No crease, no stain of ethnic food
You might even say the condition's "good".
Don't have it yet? That's cool
If not - then trading is the rule...

For bag collectors are everywhere
They steal bags while in the air
Collecting bags is no offence,
They're not only for gut contents
Most collectors hide their identity,
They're not as brave as you and me!

Der Sturmwind bricht die zarte Blüte,
es bricht das Blümlein unterm Schuh.
Der Fluggast bricht in seine Tüte!
Jedoch mein Herz, das brichst nur Du!!

Anon?

And the English translation by Paul Mundy:

The storm wind breaks the tender blossom,
The flower breaks under the shoe.
The passenger breaks into his bag,
But the only one to break my heart is you!

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